Just As Human

Step into the lives of eight Singaporean transwomen through a photo exhibition featuring personal recounts of their past and present. We are often quick to judge that a transperson’s story will only speak of discrimination, sorrow, and difficulties of being different. Yet when we asked ‘What are some significant events in your life?’, they shared about stories and memories just like any other. Each story hints at a tinge of transgender woes but we see so much more hope and optimism in them. Start listening to their stories, and you will realise that they are just as human as we are.

Photographs by Lisabelle Tay (x).

Let bygones be bygones

‘I smoke because I’m a lonely feeling… feel lonely. Also, I’ve got not much friends. People say my face fierce, like I’m an [aggressive] type. But when close with me, people know that actually I’m not bad person… [But] see my face, everyone frightened…’

‘28 years… 28 years together. He had been murdered in Thailand… And he coming back after job six months later, he bring the money in Thailand. He stay in hotel, because of money, he got murdered. After three days, we know. Thailand police they came here, show the passport, “You recognise this guy?”, I said “this is my husband”…’

‘No, I try to forget… There’s no point, more worry right? Better to forget everything. Past is past… Now we change for a new life, with a new family supporting and looking after me [at the shelter]. Much better… I more happy now…’  

 

 

The classical dancer

‘Even my school teacher even called me in that manner. They didn’t call me by my name you know. They called me “eh girly, come take your book”. I feel so hurt… Maybe the style when I walk, people like to bully me. [and] when people bully me, I feel very hurt…I only study until primary six because I couldn’t concentrate…’

‘When in primary school, I joined in dance class, you know. The dance class… like classical dance, Indian classical dance. And then, it’s like the classical normally all is the girls, girls will do the classical dance. So I’m the ONLY BOY, in there. But the teachers don’t mind, they still take me [in] for the dance. So, for me, what you call erm what is my ambition, I want to be a dance teacher one day, a dance master…’

‘… but I never [complete] the class because that time I already left the school and… my life change into different way… So got no chances. If really I got the chance, I’m really happy. Maybe I don’t know now or when, I got the chance to go back dancing, I get the certificate… I want to open one dancing class, teach the students there…’

 

 

 

Precious reminder of home

‘I think I have a few other pictures in the other house but I was kicked out… So, I don’t have any other pictures, this is the only picture I have of my mum… Memory lah, something that you can keep. Something that can push me on… through my life. It’s very difficult… Sometimes It’s not just about the item, it’s inside, the memories are all inside…’

‘Yes, very close with both of them… My mum and my grandma give me the assurance that I’m home. You know like, sometimes I may be at home doing my own things but they are there for [me]. So, having a place anywhere but having them there makes the place, for me, home. That’s why I brought my mum’s photo.’

 

 

Embracing one’s identity

’Everyone has their IC to show that they are Singaporean. To show that they that belong to somewhere. Something important, to have a sense of belonging. It is important that everyone know where they belong to and have something to show that… I lost it once… so I made a new one, so I got the opportunity to put the female photo of myself …  I think it’s better that you know that this is a women photo of myself so that they won’t question me from now on. Cos I would say most of the time lah, I would wear make-up, So if its a guy photo then they will doubt me that it’s me you know.’

The dynamic duo

Ivana:	‘I very active one on Facebook, hyperactive one. Every like ten minutes I must check one. 20 to 30 posts a day…’
Jo:	‘But last time no handphone leh, no Facebook.’ *changes to softer tone* ‘Sorry interject ah… Last time no facebook leh eh?’
Ivana:	‘Message LOR, Pager LOR, also can talk what… (Jo tries to interject again)… COMPUTER  LOR…’
Ivana:	‘I throw everything away. At first I still got keep. Actually I still keep all the birthday cards, all the cards my friends give. I fought with her then I throw away…’
Jo:	‘I worse hor… I carry all the letters you sent me. I go to the burning incense burner right, burn one by one. Then everyone look at me…’
Ivana:	‘Because we seldom fight one. We talk like this one. We can always shout at each other but when we really fight then it’s very big one – I throw all the diary away lor, declutter lor…’
Jo:	‘Got family support is really different. More happier… When you interview me and my sis, it’s very different. We are really blessed, through our own… Nobody help us one ah, cos there’s no formal form of social support last time. It’s through our own upbringing and our family really support us…’

 

Love transcends all

‘Ok last turning point. Actually recently? Okay, I’m already aged 40 now. At such an age, most of us would have given up on love and relationship. And we tend to be single for the rest of our lives…’

‘But… Three weeks ago I went for a Europe trip for three weeks and I found love again… After I came back, I was happier and everyday becomes more meaningful, sort of changed my life again and it sort of, life sparkles. The word in me is that “there’s always hope, there’s always miracles”. So, yeah even at the age of 40, love can still come… ’

 

A heart of gold

‘I currently stay in a rented apartment with my dog…It’s a crossbreed, Jack Russell mixed with Pomeranian… It’s adopted from a friend whose dog gave birth to three puppies…Tina…  oh because when I adopted her, I like to hear the song sang by Tina Turner.’

‘Happiest moment ah… Happiest moment is to feed the stray cats around my block. Because I’m an animal lover, so whenever I go to work and I come back, I will feed the stray cats… all 18 of them.  So part of my income goes to the cat food la…I’ve a feeling that they are very pitiful… Like some [their owners] just discard them… To me, home is related to the word gracious living.’

 

Finding that strength within

‘I’m always comfortable. I’m very easy to adapt to any situation. Believe me, you have to. Being a person who leads a double life… No, actually not a double life. Every single day of my life, I don’t see myself as a transgender. Because what I’ve learned is that I see in myself is very important. I’m not waiting for your judgement. Sorry.’

‘Since the day I decided to transition, I have never thought myself as a transgender or transvestite or whatever labels that people like to give… I have to walk out of my very disappointed marriage. I cry my nights away facing the pillow… Till the very last teardrop on my pillow, I tell myself I can’t do this any longer, I can’t depend on someone like this any longer. I have to walk out of this on my own. So since then, I had a tremendous change.’

‘Find within yourself. Put yourself as the first place. Always love yourself.’

‘This is me. *points to a caricature of herself* Dorky Dorky. This is the real side of me. I am really joyful… I don’t care. If I have given [my children] enough love, come judgement day, I will let them decide. If my love is good enough for them to just skip the question…For me, giving is a very very important thing. Especially love, unconditional love. ‘

‘Home to me is a… a magic moment with friends, a magic moment with your children. A sparkle in your eyes with your children wishing you … it’s like coming from your heart.‘

‘The pillar of support is always myself and now yes, also The T Project…’

Sham and Patricia

Transpeople are just like any other ordinary person; they have the same aspirations and fears in life. Yet, our society’s collective refusal to accept them for who they are have extremely real and violent consequences on the lives of transpeople.

Throughout our interview process, we have come across many individuals with different stories, some positive, some heartbreaking, and some bittersweet.

One of our interviewees is Sham, a 28-year-old Indian transman whose story shook all of us to our core. The extreme level of abuse he and his girlfriend have faced as well as their fortitude that stood throughout the difficult times left an indelible impression on us.

We therefore wish to share his story with you in his own words. At his request, we have kept Sham’s and his girlfriend, Patricia’s names. They wish to attach their identities to this story, to inspire understanding and bravery in others.

Read on for Sham’s story, as told to The Swan Project…

(*small grammatical edits are made to the original transcript)

 

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“To me, transpeople are normal people like anyone else. I don’t see the need to give them a different name to identify them. Like if you see a male-to-female (MTF), instead of categorisation, you know like MTF, transgender, transwoman. Just simplify it to woman.

I first realise that I am a man by soul and woman physically… when I was very young. Even before I attended school. I get attracted to girls more than guys. But I understood about being transgender and going to transition during the 20s. During my teenage days, I thought it’s ok to love a woman/girl. You know it’s like normal. But I realise it wasn’t that easy. People don’t accept it. Society doesn’t accept it. I wanted to be a man both mentally and physically. Therefore, I chose to go through hormone therapy.

April 28th 2014, was my first testosterone shot. I knew about hormone therapy and all when I was 21. But I never wanted to do it at first. I did not dare to do the transitioning at a young age basically because of my fear for this society.  I was worried what might happen to me. But I couldn’t take it to live a double life. I forgo all this emotional stress and took the first shot.

At the workplace, I don’t get discriminated. I worked as a dog handler and then doggy daycare supervisor and then as an assistant groomer. My bosses were never looking down on my gender crisis. Neither do they make fun when I introduce my girlfriend as my girlfriend.

Relationship wise, I had hard times. Problems were given by my girlfriend’s parents. My girlfriend was actually straight. She was having rough times with her then boyfriend, who was apparently playing behind her back for 3 years. So she finally decided to get to know more friends. That’s how she got to know me.

She’s from an all-girls school, so her sisters and her parents were aware of the terms ‘lesbian’ and ‘butch’. I seriously got no idea why the sisters were opposing the relationship of me and Patricia (my girlfriend). We were dating at that point of time. The sisters insist that she should only date men. Or rather, the ex whom was cheating on her. They were fine with the fact that he is a flirt as to them men are supposed to be like that. According to Patricia, the sisters were in lesbian relationships before, wasn’t serious though.

I remember a few incidents that happened. I was once invited by my girlfriend to attend a Christmas party that was happening at her house. This incident happened before I started transition. A few butches I know who studied in Patricia’s school were supposed to attend as well. They attended few years back. Patricia assured me that her family are fine with lesbians and butches. I’ve seen a few photos of Patricia’s mum with the butches so I felt comfy and I went.

What happened after that was a total nightmare. Although her mother was smiling and all, I was totally uncomfortable. I don’t know why. My instinct was telling me there’s going to be a big mess. The mother asked for my name. I said Sham and she said, “I want the full name. The one in your IC.”

I’m in the house surrounded by total strangers, Patricia’s friends, her sister’s friends, relatives and her family friends. I had to look at Patricia and asked her for help. She helped to say my full name. I feel embarrassed. Basically because I’ve never uttered my full name for years. People have always known me as Sham. Then the mother said, “Nice name you got. Next time people ask, give your full name. It’s nice that way.” Being a guest, I didn’t want to show attitude. I smiled.

Patricia wanted to introduce me to her father. The father was totally drunk when she introduced me to him, he was drinking with a few boys. So judging from my appearance, he was like “come here young man, join us for drinks.” But Patricia intercepted by saying I’m a girl. He immediately took his arm which was around my shoulder away. He was like, “Oh” and he looked away, continued his conversation with the other boys. They were all looking at me. I was pissed by now. I told Patricia: “I’m leaving. I did not come here to get humiliated.” But she insisted that I should stay. I stayed back for the sake of her plea.

Then we sitting on the sofa, beside one another, talking and all… Patricia was blushing and I was looking at her. When suddenly, her sister told her to sit away from me. I asked the sister why and she went to Patricia’s mum and told her we were sitting very close. Her mother was shouting to Patricia saying why is she so close to me and asked her to move away from me. This time, I looked at the mother and said, “You are going too much.”

I looked at Patricia and walked off. Hearing the commotion, the father came over to the hall. By then, I was at the corridor wearing my shoes and Patricia was begging me to stay. So the father asked the mother, “Where’s the ladyboy?” Wow. So many people were there and you just gave a loud comment about my gender identity. I immediately walked away.

That was my first humiliation.

After they found out we are in a relationship, they made matters worse for us. Patricia was beaten up repeatedly for 3 hours. None of her family members helped her. They are Catholic and her father claims he feels embarrassed.

He kicked her vagina until she peed on the bed. She was cornered and was begging him to stop. He’s an alcoholic so he was totally drunk and lost control. Patricia ran away as she couldn’t take her father’s beating.

People were sent to my workplace to threaten me to be careful. All those typical Indian gangster boys… Patricia’s mother and father sent me non-stop harassing messages.

Patricia’s father actually send people from church to “purify” Patricia, because she is in “devil’s hand” and people actually came to meet Patricia and talk to her, saying she’s under devil’s spell. These people really make me angry.

Patricia’s father messaged me saying I need to be gang banged or raped so that I’ll know how it feels to have a dick in me and it’ll change my mindset to straight and I’ll start to date guys and know that I can’t be a guy.

This is still happening and Patricia is staying with me now. She left her house 1 year back.

Not only Patricia’s family, Patricia’s boyfriend too. He was a pain in my ass, who keeps coming to Patricia knowing she has been dating me, saying that he is sorry because of him she had become a lesbian. The problem here is, none needs to be sorry. She didn’t get a deadly disease. She’s just attracted to the same sex. That’s all.

I had a hard time trying to get rid of him from Patricia’s life. He claimed they had sex while they were together and whatever ‘sex’ we had is not considered sex and that she had lost her virginity to him. He tried his best to further explain that she had done oral sex for him and by me kissing her is equivalent to me sucking his dick. Then he told Patricia that he went to search my history through people who might be related to me. Those people told him that I was raped by a guy and therefore become a butch as I hate men after the incident. It’s funny how people create shit stories. I don’t know what made him gave such a strong statement or why does he have to say all that to make him feel like a real man. Anyway, although I was affected by these lies, I slowly overcame it. Took me some time.

People of Singapore interviewed me, and a few people got to know me. The family also got to know about this too, that I was going through transition. Then, Patricia’s mother started harassing Patricia at work, telling her that she wants Patricia to contact her and she has finally accepted us. This was like a year back.

I was happy… but it was all lies. She wanted money and all she does is call us for cash. If we give, we are good people. If we don’t, she scolds very badly. The last straw was this year, August 16.

Before that, Patricia’s family forged her signature to take her edusave money for her sister’s education, which I opposed, cause it’s forgery. I told Patricia to lodge a complain but she wanted to solve it by informing the school. So we informed the school and the money was refunded, and they had to pay cash. The mother and sister weren’t happy about it.

During that period of time, I was working as an assistant groomer at a pet shop, at Upper Thomson. I started work 2 weeks before the incident. It was Saturday afternoon around 12pm, super crowded afternoon and I was on break. I went to buy food for myself and my boss. Then suddenly, I heard someone calling out my name. I turned. It was Patricia’s mother and sisters. They cornered me and asked me where Patricia was. I was confused, not to say they don’t know she’s staying with me. She has been staying with me for a year.

Then the mother started to shout, “Hey you boy or girl? You wearing bra, panties or underwear?”

There were a lot of people looking at me and most of the shopkeepers there know me as I’m a regular customer. Furthermore, my (now) ex-boss had the grooming shop there for 15 years. I didn’t want to answer, tried to walk away but the sisters cornered me. The mother made a fool out of herself by stopping passersby to ask me whether I am a boy or girl. By now, my voice sounds like a guy. When I speak to the mother, asking her to stop talking like this, the sister was like, “eww please stop talking. I’m so disgusted to hear your voice.”

By now, a small crowd has formed. The mother started to entertain the crowd by saying that I’m a girl, bapok, tomboy, who took her daughter away, separated the family and broke their happiness… She even asked me why I’m not ashamed to be an “in-between”. She said that I deserve to be fucked by her husband to straighten me. She also asked how I have sex with her daughter, called me names. She asked me again if I wore bra, panties.

I got angry and told her, “What I wear doesn’t concern you. It’s your daughter that is sleeping with me every night. If you desperately want to know what I’m wearing, come and sleep with me tonight.” The mother couldn’t take these words, took her slipper off and hit me in public. The sisters, too, started hitting me, throwing metal racks and all.

Luckily, my boss who was wondering how come I haven’t came back, started to find me. My boss happened to see the commotion and stopped the fight. He shoved the mother against the wall and defended me. He told her, “She could be whatever you claim she is. But for now, she is my staff and you got no rights to hit her. You wait here, I’ll call the police. She loving your daughter is their business. Even as a mother, you got no rights to stop 2 people from falling in love. You not happy, you file a complaint. Don’t come here and create drama.”

The mother left cause she was worried police might arrive.

I went to make a police report after that. I had a fracture, quite bad. I had to put on metal plates. I lost my job and was on MC for 3 months. I can’t use my right hand till now, waiting for recovery.

Patricia couldn’t take it anymore, she filed for PPO (personal protection order) against her family and she got it. Police are still investigating my case and since I don’t have much cash, I’m taking twice to do magistrate complain. Patricia and I are both staying in a rental room and my medical bill has reached about 4K, after government subsidy and Medisave. With this injured hand, I’m working night as security to make ends meet, with no CPF contributions.

The most serious issues would be being bullied. Or, being discriminated because of their gender identity crisis. The Indian society is a very conservative community. Although it’s a new century now,  they cringe when they see ‘odd’ couples like us. They haven’t advanced like other races. I’m not discriminating my own race. But this is the fact. They have so far started to accept gay men and transgender women. They regard transgender as equivalent to god. Some men even post publicly that they are loving transgender woman. But I don’t know why they don’t seem to accept butches or transmen.

They don’t accept us as in they still make fun of a butch, thinking that after all they are a woman at the end of the day. But they don’t say like that to a trans woman.They don’t say you are a man after all. Like my cousins, they are so used to calling me sis even though I sound like and look like a man. I’m having facial hair and all, yet they are still calling me “sis”. This frustrates me a lot. They find it hard to change. However, society is changing. Everyone is changing. I just wish that people respect and also start to use the right pronouns on me.

None chose this path. None wants to live a double life and let people bully you. None deserves to be called names. None has the rights to tell us what we should do. There’s no definition to how a woman/man should be.

When I get publicly humiliated, none bothered to help. That’s another thing. And also when the police looked into the matter, things don’t seem to be investigated.

I never really had problems coming out to the society. Although I’ve lost some close friends, I’m fine… For this is me, I’m a transman and I am happy with myself. People who are gay, struggling to come out should never fear the society. I want to be an inspiration for people like me who want to come out. I want them to know that there is such a person who have gone through horrible things and is still surviving.

The society is not going to help us. We need to help us. So we should never worry about what people will talk about us.

Sham & Patricia

Sham will be going for his Sex Reassignment Surgery in August next year, in Bangkok, Thailand. By his 30th birthday next year, Sham will be a man and in his own words, “That’s the best thing that could ever happen to me.”

Some Reassembly Required